The Horror Movie Guide to Parenting

Teach Them To Use Inside Voices

As Seen In: The Quiet Place

If your kid is shouting at a head-rattling volume or screaming the place down, the “inside voice” is one of the most important tools in a parent’s arsenal. Not all kids grasp the concept so easily however, but nothing will terrify them into shutting up like the threat of alien monsters that gobble people up at the slightest noise. Chuck out the old Father Christmas and Tooth Fairy stories in favour of this one and you’ll have non-stop peace and quiet.

Don’t Let Them Fall In With The Wrong Crowd

As Seen In: The Shining

Every child needs friends. Without a playmate, your kid will go round and round and round (on a tricycle through the corridors of a haunted hotel, most likely) bored out their tiny mind. But it’s a parent’s duty to make sure they make good friends – not the kind of ne’er-do-well who’s going to lead your kid astray. In other words, if they come home with two ghoul-like identical twins saying, “Come with play with us… forever and ever and ever” slam the door in their faces and never let your child out of your sight again.

Encourage Creativity

As Seen In: The Omen

Creativity is key to any child’s development, so you should try and harness it. Activities can include painting, building toys, or make-believe play. Some children, especially those called Damien (which is asking for trouble), may even show an aptitude for murdering your friends and family and then making it look like an accident – such as random hangings or skewering the vicar with the church steeple.

Get A Reliable Child Minder

As Seen In: Hereditary

When you need the kids looking after, who do you turn to? An older sibling could be option – which is all good and well until they accidentally decapitate the little ‘un. A grandparent is perhaps a more responsible choice perhaps. Although they might turn out to be the leader of an evil cult that’s using your kids as a vessel for the spirit of a centuries-old demon. Do yourself – and the soul of your child – a favour and get professional babysitter in.

The Hole In The Ground opens in cinemas across the UK and Ireland on 1st March 2019 from Vertigo Releasing and Wildcard Distribution